


Keeping All Fingers Crossed and Held Tight

by footprintsinthesnow



Series: Keeping All Fingers Crossed and Held Tight [1]
Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Pining, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 01:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19347112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/footprintsinthesnow/pseuds/footprintsinthesnow
Summary: Mayuko reaches out to Hatori in the days following their first encounter since his breakup with Kana. Unaware of her long-time crush on him, he hesitantly agrees to rebuild their friendship.





	Keeping All Fingers Crossed and Held Tight

It wasn’t until Hatori received her phone call that he realized he had never been invited to get coffee before. He knew that “getting coffee” was a thing that normal adults did - it was just that he wasn’t exactly a normal adult. Being hopelessly bound to a sadistic, emotionally-stunted god for eternity meant throwing all normalcy out the window. Still, while he wasn’t a normal adult, Mayuko was one. He supposed that was why, after their recent encounter, she kindly decided to ask him to visit a cafe with her that following Saturday. 

He said no.

He wasn’t sure that he wanted to refuse her invitation. He liked Mayuko well enough, or at least he used to. Back when they saw each other with some regularity. The problem was that he was meant to be at Akito’s beck and call at all hours of the day, so frivolous things like going out for coffee were typically out of the question. If Akito caught a fever or had one of her fits and he wasn’t there to handle it, there would be trouble. And he’d had quite enough trouble for his lifetime, so he would stay home and be ready for whatever might happen. 

Of course, he couldn’t tell Mayuko any of that. She wasn’t aware of Akito, as far as he knew. Even if she was, he was certain that she didn’t know any of the truly bad things. Kana certainly couldn’t have told her, he thought plaintively. So, he had no choice but to bluntly turn her down. Unsurprisingly, she had sounded vaguely let down. It made him feel bad, but he was used to being the bad guy by now; it was practically his job to ruin everyone’s fun. Mayuko was just one more name on a long list of people he had disappointed over the years.

____

Mayuko, Hatori learned, was nothing if not persistent. For a couple of weeks after rejecting her invitation, she called every few days to suggest the exact same outing. It took him aback; no one - save for Ayame, who was always trying to get his attention - had ever been so eager for his company. Then, one day, as he attempted to turn her down, she shushed him. “Listen,” she said flatly, “I know you’re a doctor, and that probably keeps you pretty busy. But no one is busy all day, every day. That’s just absurd. I’m flexible, just tell me when you’re free, and we’ll go.”

He held the phone to his ear in shocked silence for a few moments. Some part of his brain was screaming for him to refuse her. He wasn’t supposed to do this. Yet, he found himself clearing his throat to inform her that he was available Wednesday afternoon at 3pm. Over the anxiety screeching in his ears, he could just barely hear the smile bubbling in her voice when she said she’d see him there at 3pm sharp. 

That Wednesday, he arrived at the cafe forty minutes early to save a table for them. She arrived at exactly 3pm. It took him a moment to recognize her, as she didn’t look like herself. Her brown hair was down rather than in its standard ponytail, and she had traded her slacks for a flowy skirt that bared her legs. He drew his eyes away from them and stood up to shake her hand. She raised an eyebrow but slotted her hand into his.

“I hope you didn’t have to wait too long for me,” she said as she moved to sit down in the seat across from his.

“No,” he said quickly. “Just a few minutes.”

“Oh, good,” she said, pushing her hair behind her shoulder. “How are you?”

“I’m well. Yourself?”

“Things are good,” she replied. “I’m enjoying my time off from school, though I will admit I’m getting a little bit antsy without something to keep me busy.”

“I would imagine,” he said, glancing over at the counter. “Would you like me to order drinks for us?”

She grinned. “Sure, that’s very kind of you, Hatori,” she said, eyes wide with what he thought might be appreciation as she told him her order.

A few minutes later, Hatori returned to the table with their drinks. He carefully reached out to offer her her coffee, and she accepted it with a grin. For a few minutes, conversation ceased entirely as they enjoyed their drinks. His tea was good, just bitter enough. It crossed his mind to ask Mayuko if her drink was to her liking, but he was distracted by the fact that Mayuko giggled a little each time he took a sip of his own drink. When he finally asked why, she apologized and explained that it made his glasses foggy. Feeling the heat rising in his cheeks, he quickly took them off and set them on the table. 

“You don’t have to do that,” she said, “I won’t laugh anymore, promise.”

Hatori blinked. “Okay,” he muttered, awkwardly pushing them back up his nose and over his ears. She smiled at him, and the tension in his shoulders melted slightly. “You look well, Mayuko,” he started. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear a skirt before.”

“Thank you,” she said, as a faint flood of pink spread across her face. “I don’t usually wear them, actually, but it’s so warm today that I thought I might try it. I’m not even sure I’ve worn this until today.” She reached down and picked at the airy blue fabric. For a moment, he watched her turn it about in her slender fingers. “You look nice, too,” she returned. “I like your suit. It fits you well,” she said, tripping over her last few words.

Hatori fumbled with his drink. “Thank you, Mayuko. Although, I wear this just about everyday. Or at least something similar.”

“Regardless,” she smirked, “the one you’re wearing right now looks very nice on you.” 

She leaned back in her chair, crossed her long legs, and took a sip of her drink. Hatori caught himself staring at her as a burst of sunlight filtered in through the window and illuminated her tawny skin, giving it a soft yellow glow. In the years they were apart, he had forgotten how pleasant Mayuko’s company could be. Perhaps it felt uncomfortable now, getting to know her all over again. He had little experience making friends, so conversations were never easy for him. But her casual kindness made it feel as though she wanted to make it easy for him, almost as though she really wanted to be in his company. As he looked at her, smiling, he realized that he might want to spend more time in her company too - even if it meant breaking a couple of his rules.

____

As the summer progressed, Wednesday coffee became a ritual and the best part of Hatori’s week. Talking to Mayuko felt good. She was clever and interesting, and her company felt calming in a way Shigure and Ayame’s company never did. She would tell stories about her parents and their bookshop, her obnoxious neighbors and their strange arguments, and the ongoing debate with herself about whether she should buy a cat. He loved listening to her talk, and she never pushed him to talk if he didn’t want to. Sometimes, on days where he felt a more talkative than normal, he would tell her about Shigure and Ayame’s latest shenanigans or some confusing piece of technology that Momiji had tried to teach him to use. He never felt like anything he said to her was especially fascinating, but she listened to each word as if it were the most wonderful thing in the entire world. These Wednesdays with Mayuko made him feel strange, in the best way. It wasn’t a feeling he knew how to describe. All he knew was that, with her, he felt better than he ever did back in the Sohma estate.

However, he had learned long ago that all good things must come to an end, and this particular good thing ended when Mayuko informed him that school would be beginning again the following week. In the back of his mind, Hatori wasn’t surprised at all. Momiji had mentioned it once or twice. Yet, it still weighed  
heavily on him when Mayuko, as she slung her purse over her shoulder, told him that they’d need to find a new day to have coffee each week. 

“Right,” he said quietly, “you’ll be teaching again.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I’m really sorry for forgetting to say anything until now, I’ve just been a little overwhelmed trying to get everything ready for the new year.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head, “don’t be sorry. It’s your job. Are you looking forward to returning to school?”

She shrugged. “I mean, yeah. I don’t know if I’m excited about spending however many hours grading tests and papers again, but I love my kids. They’re the best part of my work, so I always look forward to seeing them again. You know I teach some of your cousins, right?”

“I do,” he nodded. “Yuki and Kyo, correct? I hope they don’t give you any trouble.”

“Not too much, really. They squabble sometimes, but nothing too bad. They’re good kids, at least in my opinion.”

“They are good kids, but that’s surprising. They do nothing but argue whenever I see them.”

“Well, I guess that’s not too shocking. They’re hormonal teenage boys,” she laughed. “What are you going to do?”

Hatori figured that the boys probably behaved well enough at school that she had never seen the full extent of one of their “squabbles” and never would, so he simply laughed along and agreed with her. “Well,” he said, “we’d better be on our way.”

“I suppose so,” she said, picking up her umbrella as she got out of her chair. As he stood up, he saw her looking over at him out of the corner of his eye; she was shifting her weight between her feet. He tilted his head curiously in her direction, and she reflexively straightened herself. “Hatori, I wanted to ask you -” she burst out, tugging on one of her earrings.

He stared at her, unsure of how to respond. Something in his head told him that silence was probably the best answer, as it seemed she wasn’t finished speaking yet and it would be impolite to cut her off before she completed her thought.

“Never mind,” she mumbled. Her face contorted for a fleeting second before forming a sweet smile. “Um, so it will probably take me at least a couple of weeks to get my schedule sorted out, which means I don’t know when I’ll see you again. But, uh, don’t be afraid to call. Or I can call you, if you like?”

Hatori nodded. “Either one sounds fine. If you call and I don’t answer, it means I’m with a patient. I’ll call you back when I’m available.”

“Okay,” she chuckled, taking a few steps towards the door, “we’ll talk soon then?”

“Yes. Mayuko?”

“Yeah?” 

He looked at her for a moment. She was holding the door slightly ajar, peering over her shoulder to meet his eyes; the brown of her irises looked almost black in the shadows. “I wanted to say that I am glad we have become friends. I must admit that I don’t have many of those…” he said, trailing off, “so it makes me happy to say that you’re mine.”

Even in the dim light of the doorway, Hatori could see the way her expression briefly darkened. Finally, as the quiet between them began to inch toward the realm of discomfort, Mayuko sighed and said, “I’m happy that you’re my friend too, Hatori. You’re a good person, and I’m lucky to have you in my life. I’ll call you tomorrow, alright? Talk to you then.” Then, with a small wave, she pushed the door open and hurried out of the cafe. 

Hatori stood still, confusion clouding his head. She was upset. She hadn’t looked as happy as she should have. He had thought that, when someone called you a friend, it was customary to react in a friendly manner. But Mayuko had seemed sad, or perhaps disappointed. He wasn’t used to this; he rarely had to think about people’s behavior. The Sohmas were simple, he understood the way they worked. Mayuko was separate from that. She didn’t follow the same rules, play the same games. He hadn’t known her for long enough to mindlessly comprehend all the things she did. 

But he wouldn’t worry about Mayuko right now. If she still seemed upset tomorrow, he would apologize for hurting her feelings - even if he wasn’t entirely sure what he had done wrong. Resignedly, he checked to make sure he had grabbed his wallet, and made his way out the door to return to the Sohma estate once  
again.

____

 

When Mayuko called the next day, Hatori picked up immediately. After politely saying hello, he offered her his sincerest apologies for hurting her feelings when they said goodbye the previous day. She stuttered for a moment on the other end of the call, but he soon felt his breathing even out as she told him that there was nothing to worry about. “I just remembered that I had some things to do yesterday,” she explained. “Errands, you know, boring stuff. I wasn’t very excited about it.”

“Are you certain I haven’t done anything to upset you?” he asked. 

An exasperated laugh crackled through the phone. “Hatori. You should try to put some trust in me. You haven’t done anything wrong, though I do appreciate your concern.”

“Alright,” he sighed, relieved. “How are you today?”

He could almost see her tiredly shaking her head as she started recounting an embarrassing encounter with one of her students at the market. It made him smile much wider than he had in recent memory, and he started to wonder if it would make her happy to see him smile like that. Perhaps she would even smile back at him. Mayuko had a warm smile, he remembered as he tried to stay focused on her story. Its warmth made him feel warm too. He liked that, and he liked her too. She was the kind of person he wanted to keep around for as long as possible. She was the kindest friend he’d ever had, and he didn’t take that for granted. He couldn’t - not when he was what he was.  
____

When the following Wednesday rolled around, Hatori had to remind himself that Mayuko wasn’t going to be at the cafe that day. It made him feel empty; for the last two months, she had become such a fixed part of his weekly routine that the sudden change felt thoroughly wrong. He thought about sending her a text, but wondered if she would find that odd. Besides, Ayame had once commented that his texts made him sound even more stiff and angry than he did in real life. He didn’t want Mayuko to get the wrong impression from him. 

Still, she might get an even worse impression if he didn’t reach out at all. The idea made him anxious, so he retrieved his phone and typed out a quick message.

Hello, Mayuko. I hope you are well.

He read it over a couple of times, then sent it. Just as he tucked his phone back into his pocket, he felt a buzzing against his thigh. 

Hi! I’d rather be getting coffee with u than doing paperwork :( But I hope ur good too!

His eyes caught on the frowning face. Shigure liked to use those, as did Ayame. It annoyed him a little when their texts were littered with tiny faces, but perhaps that really was something that people did.

I am well today. And I understand. Paperwork is not fun :(

He pressed send. Then, rereading the first message, he added: I have to go now, as I have a patient soon. I hope you have a good evening :)

She would probably like the smile, he decided. Momiji always used those in his messages when he said something especially kind, so hopefully Mayuko would pick up on the kindness in his words as well.

It seemed that she did, as she responded with: Ok, good luck with the patient! And thanks, u too. Do something fun, ok? ;)

He stared at her text for awhile. Or, more specifically, at the little face at the end of her message. He’d only seen that one in a few of Shigure’s messages, when he was being especially bothersome. Why was Mayuko using it? He considered asking Shigure to decipher it, but that would mean telling him that he and Mayuko had been talking on a regular basis for some time now, and he didn’t really want Shigure getting involved in the only non-Sohma friendship he’d ever had in his entire life. 

It occurred to him that he could also ask Mayuko what she meant, but he figured that had the potential to make things uncomfortable.

Resigning himself to not understanding, Hatori stood up and shoved his phone into his pocket. There were other matters to attend to. Namely, he had entirely forgotten where he had placed his lab coat at the end of the day yesterday, and he needed to find it quickly. Whatever Mayuko meant, and no matter how much not knowing made him nervous, it would have to wait.

____

 

A few weeks later, Mayuko called to ask if Hatori had any spare time on Sunday mornings. Ignoring the fact that he was not a morning person and never would be, Hatori informed her that he would meet her at the cafe next Sunday at 9am. The happiness that radiated in her words would make all of the pain of waking up early worth it, he thought. 

It did - at least sort of. 

Hatori still despised waking up early, but knowing where he was going took away some of the sting of his exhaustion. Groggily, he dressed and groomed himself. In the mirror, he pressed up close to the glass to examine if his stubble was too noticeable for proper social interaction. After determining that it was indeed too scruffy, he dug through the cabinet for his razor and shaving cream and got to work. Finally, once his face was satisfactorily smooth and all traces of the cream had been carefully wiped away, Hatori jogged out to the car and began his trek to the cafe. 

Mayuko was there when he arrived; in a delicate pink sweater and dark jeans, she rose from her chair and greeted him with a bright white smile. Seeing her smile right in front of him again, the gravity of how much he had missed it hit him and he found himself rushing towards her. “Hi,” he said, “you look really nice today.”

“Thanks! Hey, you aren’t wearing a suit today,” she said, poking his chest playfully.

“I guess I’m not,” he said. Truthfully, he hadn’t really thought about it until now. As he had been half-asleep at the time, he had simply selected a button up and a pair of khakis from his closet and put it on. “Does it not look good…?” he asked.

“No! It looks great. You should wear stuff like this more often. It works on you, actually.”

“Oh. Thank you. Perhaps I will. I work so much that I don’t get an opportunity to wear anything but suits, really.”

“Ah, I see. I suppose you’ll have to take some days off then.”

“I can’t do that, it would be irresponsible.”

“I’m kidding,” she giggled, handing him a drink. “Here, I ordered this for you. I remembered what you like.” Thanking her, Hatori sat down and took a sip. Settling down in her own spot, Mayuko angled herself towards him and rested her hand under her chin. “So! How’ve you been? I feel like it’s been ages.”

“Well, it has been over a month.” Hatori said offhandedly.

“I guess that’s true,” she replied. “Anyway, tell me what’s been going on! I’ve missed you.”

“Just the usual things. I’ve been taking care of patients, primarily the head of the family. That takes up most of my time, truthfully. I think I’ve mentioned that he gets ill fairly often. I know how to look after him by now, though,” Hatori said tiredly. “Let me think… Outside of work, I see Shigure and Ayame a few times a week. They keep me busy, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

“Oh, yes. Shigure is a handful,” she spat.

“Surprisingly, Ayame is more work. Yesterday I went to drop something off at his shop for him, and he and his assistant - I think that’s what I would call her - tackled me the moment I walked in the door. My shoulder is still sore. Shigure isn’t much work. He just makes me angry. Besides that, I’ve been looking after Momiji. He comes over for dinner a few times a week. I like the company, even if he can be a little too energetic for me sometimes.”

“He’s a good kid from what I’ve seen,” Mayuko said. “Seems like a very sweet boy.”

“That’s a way to describe him,” Hatori agreed. “He makes the people around him happy, that’s for sure. He makes me happy too.”

“I’m glad you’ve got someone like that,” she said, the corners of her eyes crinkling with kindness. “Do you know that you make me happy?”

“I do?” Hatori asked, crooking an eyebrow.

“Of course you do. We’re friends, right?”

“That is true,” Hatori mused. “In that case, you make me happy too.”

“Gee, thanks,” Mayuko scoffed. “I can just feel the friendship radiating from you.”

“Do you always have to tease? I’m trying to be sincere.”

“I know, I know. I’m glad we make each other happy,” she said, beaming, “because that’s how you know it’s a good friendship.”

“Indeed,” Hatori said, smiling into his drink. She truly did make him happy - being here with her felt right. Those weeks away from her had been like putting on old clothing that no longer fit him. It was uncomfortable and wholly unpleasant. Now, she was here with him again, and everything felt like it was back to the way it was supposed to be.

____

 

Thunder rumbled roughly from the dark November clouds as Hatori walked down the road away from the main house. With each step, his lower back twinged. He had discovered that on days when Akito was more of a pain than usual, that residual pain seeped into his body and expressed itself in bothersome aches and strains. All he wanted was to go home and lay down. It would be several more hours before Momiji arrived for dinner; school wasn’t even out yet, and, as far as Hatori could tell, Momiji liked to do his assignments right after he got home.

If he was lucky enough to be right about everything, he would get to take a nap before dinner. The mere thought of it sent a shiver of delight through his spine, and the excitement coursing through his veins caused his pace to quicken despite the relentless ache in his back. The faster he walked, he reminded himself, the faster he could lay down and close his tired eyes.

Five minutes later, he neatly placed his shoes in their designated spot by the door and dragged himself into the living room. There, he found the sofa and promptly sunk himself onto it. Clumsily, he grasped for the woolen blanket that he kept tucked away under his coffee table and draped it over his long body. As usual, it didn’t cover him fully; his feet, exposed to the cold air, jutted out stupidly. Despite his chilly feet, sleep came over Hatori easily. His muscles eased and his breathing slowed as he drifted further and further away from consciousness. 

He wasn’t entirely sure how much time had passed when a shrill noise jarred him from a vague, half-formed dream. The noise continued, ringing obnoxiously through the house. “Ayame, what could you possibly want now?” he moaned, lumbering back to the entryway to dig his phone out of his coat pocket. 

“Hello?” he snarled. 

“Oh… uh, hey, Hatori,” Mayuko said. “You sound busy, I can call someone else.”

Hatori winced. “Mayuko. I’m sorry, I thought that you were… never mind. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just some bad luck, is all. My car won’t start, and I think I must have left my subway pass at home because I can’t find it anywhere. So I’m stuck at school, and I was wondering if you could come pick me up. I would call my parents, but they’re out of town this afternoon.”

“Of course,” Hatori replied. “I can be there in a half hour. Is that alright?”

With a relieved sigh, Mayuko informed him that a half hour sounded absolutely perfect, and that she would wait in her classroom for him to get there. 

The drive went by faster than Hatori expected. Despite the rolls of thunder, the rain was holding off for now and the roads were clear. He listened idly to a radio station that Ayame had selected yesterday; it was some pop thing that he imagined Momiji would be quite fond of. He hadn’t yet determined his own opinion about the music. It was upbeat, if not a bit juvenile. At the very least, it was fun. It then crossed his mind whether Mayuko would like this music. After some careful deliberation, he concluded that he would have to ask her what she wanted to listen to when he picked her up.

As it turned out, Mayuko was a fan of this particular genre. “I’m surprised that you listen to this stuff,” she remarked, climbing into the passenger seat.

“I don’t mind it,” he shrugged, glancing over at her. “Please wear your seatbelt.”

She smiled and complied with his orders. “All set, sir,” she declared.

“Are you mocking me?” he asked, eyes narrowed.

“No, not at all.”

“I am responsible for multiple teenagers and two stunningly immature monsters that call themselves men, I know when I’m being mocked.”

She nudged his arm. “Relax, Hatori. Friends joke with each other sometimes. It doesn’t mean I’m trying to tease you.”

“Perhaps my displeasure at your mockery was also a joke,” he replied, smirking. 

She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Okay. Anyway, I really do appreciate you coming to get me on such short notice.”

“It’s not a problem. Do you know what happened to your car?”

“Not yet. It’s being towed to a mechanic. Hopefully they’ll let me know the deal soon.”

“I’m sure they will,” Hatori said distractedly, pulling out onto the main road. “Mayuko, you never told me where I’m supposed to go. Am I going in the right direction?”

“Oh! Shit. Uh, yes, you are, but take a right up here.”

For the next twenty-three minutes, they fell into easy discussion interspersed with directions from Mayuko. Hatori found himself laughing at an anecdote about Mayuko catching Kyo literally jumping for joy over beating some girl named Uotani at a card game. “He’s a competitive one,” she said in exasperation as Hatori informed her that she didn’t know the half of it. When Mayuko ran out of stories from the school day, the two lamented Hatori’s sore back and traded tips for alleviating the pains that seemed to get more and more frequent with each year that went by.

“I’m only twenty-seven,” he groaned, “and I feel like an old man.”

“Oh, you’re just a baby,” she cooed. “Try being twenty-nine.”

“You’re not twenty-nine,” he said in disbelief. “Are you?”

“I am,” she said, her voice dragging. “I’ll be thirty next March.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have guessed that you’re more than twenty-six. I certainly look much older than you do. Maybe if I stopped smoking I would look as young as you.”

“Ha. Thanks, I appreciate the compliment,” she said. Despite the sarcasm, he sensed there was genuine happiness somewhere beneath those words. “And you should. You know, stop smoking. It’s bad for you. Aren’t you supposed to know that? Being a doctor and all?”

“Technically I know that. Unfortunately it’s a good stress reliever.”

“Yeah. But it’s only a good stress reliever because you’re addicted to it. You know what I do when I’m stressed?”

“What?” he asked.

“I dance.”

Hatori scoffed. “I don’t dance.”

“I figured as much. But you should. It’s good for stress, and it won’t kill you. Also, take a left up here.”

Hatori gripped the wheel tighter as he reached over to put on his signal. “It sounds like you just want me to make a fool out of myself.”

“Don’t be absurd. If I didn’t do it, then certainly I wouldn’t tell you to do it.”

“I already told you that I don’t dance,” Hatori repeated, sterner this time.

“Everybody dances.”

“Not me. Besides, even if I did, I wouldn’t be good at it.”

Mayuko giggled. “You don’t have to be good. It’s about relaxing and doing something fun. Just try it sometime instead of smoking, okay? It doesn’t have to be today.”

“Fine.”

She squeezed his shoulder. “There you go. You won’t regret it, I promise.” Hatori bit his lip. Mayuko was right about a lot of things, but there was no chance of her being right about this. Still, he was too tired to argue anymore, so he uttered a weak agreement and retreated into a comfortable silence that lasted the rest of the drive.

That night, after Momiji left, Hatori walked out to the porch and lit a cigarette. He turned it over in his fingers and watched the embers light up the darkness around him. Tentatively, he took a drag. The smoke burned his lungs in that familiar way, but it didn’t feel good like it did every other time before. Something felt off. Something had changed. He pulled the box out of his pocket and checked the label - they were the right brand. Then, he remembered. Mayuko. He pressed his tongue against his teeth in frustration. Why did it matter what she thought? He never smoked with her. She shouldn’t be so concerned about what he did in his own home. He attempted another drag and coughed roughly as the smoke filled his chest. He made a disgruntled sound as he tossed the cigarette on the ground, stomping it out before surrendering himself to a restless sleep.

____

 

“It’s been so long since I was here last,” Mayuko mentioned as Hatori took her empty cup of tea to the kitchen. “It looks a lot different than I remember.”

“I suppose. I changed a few things a couple years back… I needed something new,” he explained. She didn’t respond.

He still couldn’t believe he had asked her to visit his home. He supposed the new year must have given him some sort of odd courage. Still, in the days leading up to her visit, he had been in an almost constant state of panic. A few times, he had been close to canceling their plans. Outsiders never came here, save for Honda-san - but she wasn’t really an outsider anymore. His mind reeled imagining what Shigure and Ayame would say if they knew that Mayuko was in his home right now, and it came to a screeching halt when he imagined what would happen if Akito found out. Mayuko wasn’t like Kana, but there was no telling what Akito would do. Mayuko was a woman, and that alone might be enough to send Akito off the deep end. 

But… Akito didn’t need to find out. Mayuko used to visit the estate when Kana lived here. People had seen her before, so she wasn’t a total stranger. She wouldn’t draw too much suspicion, he thought. Besides, now that the weather was getting colder, people weren’t usually out walking around the compound. Mayuko would be okay. The past had simply made him overly cautious. He needed to relax and let go of his worries, just like everyone was always telling him.

Now, with her in his home, he was thankful that he hadn’t told her not to come. He liked having her here; she fit in nicely.

“Is your office still here?” she asked suddenly. 

Hatori turned around from where he stood at the sink. “Yes it is. Why?”

“I don’t know. You never let me see it when I used to come around here with Shigure.”

“Are you asking to see it?”

“Would you let me?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Turning off the tap, Hatori motioned for Mayuko to follow him down the hall. Based on the sound of her footsteps, she seemed to be walking a few paces behind him. As he opened the office door, he watched her eyes widen at room before them. “Whoa. This is so neat. It’s cozier than I expected.”

“You’re not the first to say that,” Hatori replied, watching Mayuko scan the shelves and run her hands along the spines of his medical books. She made small noises of interest at some of the titles, before moving to the walls. She paused in front of a poster that displayed the muscles of the human body. 

“Quick,” she blurted out, gesturing toward one of the diagrams, “which muscle is this?”

“Popliteus,” he answered.

“This one?” she asked, moving her finger toward another diagram.

“Rhomboid major. Did you bring me here just to quiz me?”

“Nah, my teacher instincts just kicked in, that’s all.” She wandered away from the posters and jaunted over to his desk. “This is very organized,” she said, swiping a finger against the smooth mahogany surface.

“Yes, I like to have things in a certain order.”

“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” she muttered, examining his belongings interestedly before her eyes found the picture of Kana and stayed there. Time ticked away and Mayuko didn’t speak; Hatori felt his gut wrench. “It does surprise me that you have this,” she said, her voice just barely above a whisper. 

Hatori couldn’t find the words to answer her. 

Not taking her eyes away from the photograph, she exhaled and crossed her arms under her breasts. “Have you seen her since then?”

“I haven’t, not really. Just from a distance, once. You still talk to her, I’m assuming?” Hatori asked, declining to mention that he had also seen Mayuko with her that day.

“I do, at least sometimes. She’s doing well.”

“Good, I’m happy for her.”

Mayuko removed one of her tightly bound arms to agitatedly fiddle with one of the pens on his desk. “Did you know she’s expecting?”

“Expecting, as in…?”

“She’s due in three months. They’re having twins,” Mayuko said.

Something tender bloomed in Hatori’s chest. “Mayuko, I really am happy for her, you know. I’m not just saying it to be polite. All I ever wanted for her was to find happiness. And it seems that she did, so I’m glad.”

“Really?” she asked, finally turning away from the desk to face him. 

Hatori took a step forward. “Yes, of course. She deserves that.”

“I…” Mayuko said quietly. “I guess I always thought that you might hold something against her. Your relationship ended so suddenly. I don’t really know what happened, Shigure wouldn’t tell me… but I know it must have been bad. But it looks like I had it all wrong. Do you still… do you love her?”

“No,” Hatori said. “Not like I used to. I still feel affection for her, but it isn’t romantic or… anything else like that.” He gazed fixedly at the carpet beneath his feet. “Kana was important to me, there’s no question about that. I’ll always be grateful for the role she played in my life. She accepted me when no one else did, even the parts of me that I hate. Some part of me will always love her for that.”

“Why… why do you still have her photograph?”

“I don’t know. I ask myself that, sometimes. For the most part, I think she’s a reminder.”

Mayuko cocked her head. “A reminder?”

“Nothing,” he murmured, moving toward the hallway. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to go back to the other room now.”

“Um. Sure,” she said. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with all of my questions, I’m sorry.”

Hatori’s shoulders tensed. “No. It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have brought you here,” he said stiffly as they walked together down the hall. 

“I know, I know, it was really rude of me to ask to see your office like that,” she blurted. 

“No… I meant that I shouldn’t have brought you here. To my home.”

The sounds of Mayuko’s footsteps suddenly stopped. “I… I’m sorry. I’ll leave, if you want me to. I overstepped my boundaries, and you have every right to be upset with me.” Hatori stilled and peered back at her; just before their eyes met, Mayuko bowed her head and hastily pushed past him. “Yeah, I’m going to go,” he heard her say as she bolted around the corner to the front door, where he found her shoving her feet into her shoes and holding her coat in a clenched fist. 

“Mayuko,” he said. “You don’t have to go.”

“Didn’t you just tell me that you wished you hadn’t asked me to come here?” she asked, rashly pulling her arms through the teal sleeves of her peacoat.

“Yes, I did, but that was thoughtless. I don’t want you to go. I just got scared.”

“What?”

“I told you that Kana’s photograph serves as a reminder for me. She was the first person I ever truly let into my life, regardless of the nature of the relationship. And being in my life ended up hurting her. So I keep her picture on my desk as a reminder to not let anyone else get hurt..”

“I don’t… I’m not sure that I understand.”

“I know,” Hatori said, pinching the bridge of his nose where he could feel the seeds of a headache planting themselves. “I want to make you understand. I really do. Just… my family is complicated. And they don’t take kindly to outsiders. I would tell you more if I could. I wish I could tell you more. Please just know that I want you to be safe. I don’t want to lose you too.”

Mayuko paused and stared at him, her eyes shining. The buttons of her coat shook in her hands; she dropped them to her side, defeated. “Thank you, Hatori,” she croaked, “for worrying about me. That means a lot, really.”

“Of course,” he said.

She laughed weakly and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “So, this means that I can stay a little longer?”

“It does,” Hatori said, blushing. “I’ll even make you another cup of tea, if you like.”

“That sounds perfect,” she replied, smiling now. “But let me help you this time. I don’t know who showed you how to prepare tea, but you make it awfully weak.”

He chuckled and rolled his eyes, extending his hand to her. “Come on,” he said. “Show me what to do.” Eyes wide with shock, she hesitantly took his hand and let him lead her back to the kitchen. Leaned against the counter together - closer than usual, Hatori noted, although he failed to take his usual precautionary step away from her - they fell back into their warm and familiar rapport as the water slowly simmered and bubbled on the stovetop. 

____

 

Hatori didn’t drink much anymore. He hated the way it made him feel out of control. 

Sometimes, however, after a particularly long and stressful day, he would find himself seeking out the bottle of red wine that he kept hidden on top of his kitchen cabinets. Despite being as tall as he was, he had to retrieve the stepping stool from his bathroom in order to reach it. This was purposeful; if it was easily within his grasp, he was quite certain the bottle would have run out a long time ago.

Tonight was one of those nights. He found himself reclined on his sofa, pouring himself a second generous glass. He appreciated the taste more these days, now that it was such a rare treat for him. He swished a sip around in his mouth for a moment, letting it wash over him before swallowing it. A pleasant buzz was circulating in his head and his limbs felt loose. 

Another thing that happened when he drank, Hatori found, was that he made decisions he wouldn’t typically make when sober. That was how he found himself, upon finishing his second glass of wine, turning on his radio and flipping through the stations until he found something vaguely recognizable that he knew he enjoyed. 

It occurred to him, as he began to shuffle his feet from side to side, that he had no idea how to dance. He tried to picture what he had seen on television, and added in some arm sways and head bobs. This seemed correct, and it was easy enough for him to do without much effort or skill. His movements quickened and slowed with the tempo of each song, and, despite being a little too sweaty for his liking, he found that Mayuko was right. Dancing was fun.

Suddenly, he stopped dancing and ran over to grab his phone off the table. Squinting at the screen, he clumsily scrolled through his contacts until he located the name he was looking for.

“Hey,” Mayuko said.

“Mayuko,” Hatori said, slightly too loud. “Hi!”

“Hey, there,” she snickered. “Has someone been drinking?”

“Yes, someone has. And guess what?”

“What?”

“I’m dancing,” Hatori said, wiggling his shoulders.

“Really? You’re not pulling my leg?”

“Nope! You were right, it’s very fun and relaxing.”

“See? You should listen to me more often.”

“I know I should,” Hatori groaned, flopping down on to the sofa. “I’m a bad dancer. You would make fun of me if you were here right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Terrible. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “It gets easier.”

“Oh, that’s good to hear.”

“Ha, yeah, in no time at all you’ll be a pro.”

Hatori grinned at the ceiling for a moment, before a thought floated through his mind that snapped his attention back to the phone call. “Mayuko,” he said, his tone inching back towards its everyday seriousness.

“Yeah?”

“Can I call you Mayu?” he asked timidly. There was no response on the other end, and a nervous feeling manifested in the pit of his stomach. “Mayuko, did I lose you?”

“No, no, no. I’m still here. You just… you surprised me.”

“I’m sorry,” Hatori said.

“No! Surprised in a good way. You really want to call me Mayu?”

“Yeah. I miss when I used to call you that. It was nice.”

“Well, you’re more than welcome to use it.”

“Mayu?”

“Yeah, Hatori?”

“Nothing. I was just saying it.”

“You’re a silly drunk.”

“Yeah. I don’t handle my alcohol like I used to. It’s starting to make me sleepy, now,” he replied, fighting back a yawn and failing.

“Go to bed, you silly drunk.”

“If I sleep, we can’t keep talking.”

“I know,” she said gently. “But I’ll still be here tomorrow. Call me then, if you want to. I think you should brush your teeth and knock out for the night.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Hatori.”

“Goodnight, Mayu.” 

____

 

March was even more bitterly cold than normal today, and from inside the cafe Hatori could hear the wind whipping aggressively against the windowpane. He held on tightly to his cup of coffee, letting the warmth from the drink travel through the mug and into his skin. Across the table, Mayu was bundled up in a thick turtleneck sweater and sipping on a cup of peppermint tea. “This isn’t the type of thing I’d usually get,” she said when she noticed his questioning look, “but I’ve got the sniffles and this helps.” When he looked at her more closely, he saw that the tip of her nose was red and the skin around it was the tiniest bit raw.

“Would you like me to run up the street and get you a box of tissues?” he asked.

She threw him a look. “What am I, a princess? I’ll use toilet paper from the restroom.”

“Gross,” he commented, wrinkling his nose. 

“Right, I forgot who I’m with,” she said. “Mister Clean over here can’t stand the threat of anything that might not be totally sterile.”

“You seem bothered today,” Hatori said, ignoring her jab. “Is there something wrong?”

Mayu shrugged. “It’s stupid. My sister is having this party next week, and she wants me to go.”

“Is that bad?”

“Not inherently, no. I just don’t like parties, and I never have anyone to go with so I end up standing in the corner by myself or talking to someone I don’t know… it’s awkward, and it makes me anxious.”

“That sounds horrible. I wouldn’t enjoy that either.”

“See, you get me. Parties are the worst,” Mayu pouted. “Unless… do you want to come with me? It wouldn’t be so bad if I had someone like you to hang out with.”

Hatori froze. “I…”

“You don’t want to. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s just…” Hatori struggled to find words that could dance around his fear that someone would try to hug him, or that he’d bump into someone by mistake and transform. “I just get really severe social anxiety around people I don’t know.”

“You’d know me,” she offered, hopeful.

He sighed, guilt growing within him. “I just really don’t do well in those kinds of situations. I don’t think it would be good for me to go with you.”

Mayu gave him an understanding smile. “That’s alright. Social stuff isn’t easy. Honestly, I’ll probably end up canceling on her at the last minute, so it’s not a big deal. You know, yeah, I think I’ll just cancel. Hold on, I’ll text her right now and let her know that something came up.”

“She’ll be okay with that?”

“I don’t know about that, per se, but she’s used to me doing this by now, so,” she said, tapping out a message on her screen as the guilt in Hatori’s mind bubbled up, stronger and stronger. He tried to remind himself that it wasn’t his fault, that he had no choice but to be careful. 

Careful. He was starting to hate being careful. Every time he had to be careful, he inevitably disappointed Mayu. He wondered how many more times she would tolerate being disappointed, and why she had put up with it for so long to begin with. He didn’t have much experience with friendship, but he knew that he fell short a lot. He was always turning her down and hurting her feelings. That wasn’t what friends did. That wasn’t what people did when they cared about someone.

“Okay! Sent. Looks like I’ll be staying in,” she said cheerfully, pocketing her phone.

She deserved someone so much better than him.

____

 

The walk had been Mayu’s idea. That morning, just before Hatori got in his car, she called and said to meet her in the park. “I bought our drinks already,” she explained, “so you can just drive straight over here.” Hatori agreed; he liked the park, and the weather was nice today. The sun was out and there was just enough of a breeze to stop the air from sweltering.

They walked along a path on the periphery of the park, where only the occasional jogger and bicyclist passed by. Hatori liked having the space almost fully to themselves. It was a good opportunity to just talk and enjoy being with Mayu, who was expressing her excitement over the school year’s upcoming end.

“You must be excited that you’ll have so much more free time soon,” he said, gazing up at a cherry blossom tree and following the petals as they floated to the green grass below.

“I am, for sure. But actually, that, uh, kind of leads me to something I wanted to talk to you about,” Mayu said.

Hatori glanced down at her. “Oh? Nothing bad I hope.”

“No, nothing bad,” she said, her voice straining. “It’s more, like, out of the ordinary for me. Basically, someone asked me on a date.”

Hatori stopped himself from choking on his coffee. Cautiously, he swallowed it and wiped his mouth. “Oh...” he said.

“Yeah. Another teacher at the school. He asked me if I’d like to go see a play with him when school ends. He’s a few years older than me. A good guy, smart,” she said. 

A twisting feeling slithered through Hatori’s body. Thoughts he didn’t like were circling through his mind, threatening to break down the barriers he had so carefully put up long ago. He focused all of his energy on fending them off. He couldn’t think those things. He wouldn’t let himself make that mistake again. 

Once he had managed to regain some control over his brain, he fixed his gaze on the path ahead and replied, “That’s very exciting. Did you… did you say yes?”

Mayu shook her head. “No. I thought about it, if I’m being honest. But in the end I decided that I didn’t really see him that way. I was just really flattered to be asked out by someone.”

The twisting feeling released itself.

“I’ve never had good luck with dating,” Mayu sighed. “Maybe I should have said yes. I don’t know. It’s all too complicated and I never seem to make the right choices.”

“I think you made the right choice,” Hatori said.

“Huh?”

“I said, I think you made the right choice. You said you don’t view your coworker in a romantic way. I don’t think you should lead someone on. Saying no was the kind thing to do.”

“You think so?”

“I have no doubt in my mind that the right person will come along, eventually.”

“Thanks, Hatori,” Mayuko said, blushing. 

He nodded and kept his eyes on the ground. As they moved forward, he found himself wanting to touch her. Not in the sort of way Shigure would talk about, but something tender and kind. He wondered if he could hold her hand. He’d done it before, back at his house all those months ago, but that was different. To take her hand now would be as good as telling her the truth, and he wasn’t going to do that. Stoically, he tucked his hands deep into his pockets. He didn’t need to tell her, and she didn’t need to know.

____

 

The days following Honda-san’s and Kureno’s hospitalizations seemed endless. Within those cold halls, time came to a standstill. The fluorescent lights flickered but never turned off, nurses never stopped running from room to room, and patients never stopped coming and going. Everything existed in a disconcerting state of homeostasis, and Hatori never knew how long he had been there until he finally walked out to the parking lot to return home. 

On the fourth day, Hatori learned that he had stayed for nearly seven hours. He had spent two of those visiting with Honda-san, and one of them advising Kureno about what he should do once he was well enough to leave. The rest of the time was spent wandering the halls, speaking with Shigure, telling Momiji and Hatsuharu to behave, and calling Akito to ensure that she was taking care of herself - after the incident, she had been shaken up in a way he had never seen her before. It was odd.

Of course, everything seemed odd nowadays. There were whisperings that Momiji and Hiro were no longer like the rest of them. No one would let Kyo into the ward to visit Tohru, and the boy was a wreck over it. Some girl with unnaturally blonde hair - Honda-san’s friend, according to Shigure - had been desperate to see Kureno for whatever reason. Even Ayame had been abnormally subdued.

Then, of course, was Mayu.

She had visited the hospital the day before. She called Hatori early that morning, saying that the Sohma boys were acting strange and asking why Honda-san wasn’t at school. She had been horrified to learn about the accident, so he told her that she was more than welcome to visit if she felt comfortable doing so. And she did. Around 4pm, she walked into the waiting area. He went over to greet her, pointedly ignoring Shigure’s smug expression and Ayame’s enthusiastic yet confused babbling. After some hushed small talk, she suggested they go somewhere private to speak.

“Are you okay?” she asked, once they had found a secluded corner.

“I think so,” Hatori replied, drawing in a heavy breath and resting his back against the wall. “I’m tired, that’s all. I haven’t slept much these last few days.”

Mayu nodded sympathetically and reached out to stroke his arm. “That makes sense. Are you taking care of yourself, though? Or at least trying to?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Hatori,” she said, moving her arm back down to her side, “is there anything I can do for you? Or your family? I want to help if I can.”

“No, there isn’t much you can do, really. I just appreciate you being here. And I’m sure Honda-san will as well.”

“Okay,” she murmured. “I like Honda-san a lot. She’s a lovely girl. She’s been through so much and… and I don’t want anything bad to happen to her now.”

“I feel the same,” Hatori said. “She’s recovering well, though. She was lucky. Given the nature of the accident, it could have been so much worse.”

Mayu went quiet then, and looked down at the icy blue tiles; her shoulders rumbled and a small squeaking noise erupted from her. Hatori watched sadly as she covered her eyes with her hands. Tears filtered through the cracks between her fingers and snaked along her skin, leaving a glistening trail in their wake. She let out another gasping sob, and he placed a hand on her shoulder. “Mayu,” he whispered as she looked up at him, eyes red and unfocused. 

It happened before he could fully process everything. He saw the way that her arms lifted and spread, the way her torso leaned in towards his own, the way she took a sudden and desperate step toward him. He knew what this was. He had seen Kana do this, and he knew what it led to. And in the split second he had to react, backed into the corner they had chosen, there was only one thing he could do.

His hands hit her chest roughly, and she stumbled back. His hands remained in the air where he had shielded himself from her touch, and they trembled violently without anything to support them. Mayu, he observed as a sense of horror at his own actions overtook him, was trembling too. For the very first time in the last several months, she looked afraid of him. “Mayu,” he said limply, his voice breaking.

“Stop,” she said harshly, although her body still quivered. “I’m going to go now. I came here to see Honda-san, and I’m going to do that now. I don’t think I’ll see you before I leave.” Without saying goodbye she scurried away, leaving him alone to be swallowed up again by the hospital’s immaculate halls.

He had thought she might call the next day. When she didn’t, he tried texting her. He even typed out one of the smiles to let her know his intentions were good. But there was nothing. Mayu didn’t want to speak to him.

Ever since Kana, Hatori believed that the curse could only hurt people if they got too close to it. That people who lived in blissful ignorance, the ones he kept at a carefully maintained distance, would be safe. He thought he had kept Mayu far enough away to protect her. But, now it appeared that it didn’t matter. The image of Mayu staring at him, fear burning wildly in her eyes at the way he struck her, was imprinted in his brain. There was a reason he declined her invitation to get coffee last summer, and this was it. Despite his best efforts, he had hurt her and she had left. Now he had to remember how to live a life without her, and that felt like the strangest thing of all.

____

 

Hatori was not an impulsive man. Ever since he was a child, he made decisions rationally and practically. That was why, when his curse broke, he caught himself off guard when his first thought was to run to Mayu. Through the tears and the aching in his chest that overcame him as he felt that painful piece of his soul being torn out of his body, all he wanted was to see her. Everything that could hurt her, everything that had hurt her - it was all gone now. He could hold her. He could bring her to his home without fear. He could give himself to her in every way he had wanted to in the last few months, and there would be nothing to stop him.

But, he reminded himself, he had already lost her. Mayu didn’t want to see him anymore, and that was that. He couldn’t force her to want him in her life again. Some foolish part of him wished that he had let her hold him, but it wouldn’t have made a difference. Either way, he would have had to let her go - this was probably the easier way to do it.

Days went by, and Hatori’s life fell back into a routine. Honda-san and Kureno were out of the hospital. Akito was beginning to accept the changes that were happening all around her. Everyone was learning to adjust to life without the curse weighing them down. Shigure visited whenever he went to the main house. Ayame called a few times; one of the calls was to ask Hatori to formally meet his girlfriend, Mine. Hatori had said yes, though the idea gave life to a sick and morose jealousy that he tried his best to hide for the duration of the call. Momiji came around to dinner just like he always did, but he seemed like he had other places he wanted to be. He didn’t understand how it was possible, after all the things he had been through, but Hatori felt more alone than he ever had. 

Finally, at the start of summer break, Hatori gave in and phoned Mayu. To his surprise, she answered within the first few rings. “Hello?” she said.

“Hi, Mayu,” he said. “Thank you for answering.”

“Can I ask what you want?” she replied, clicking her tongue.

“I was wondering if I could see you. I wanted to talk.”

“We’re on the phone right now,” she said, “can’t you tell me whatever you want to say?”

“No,” Hatori pleaded, “let me talk to you in person. It’s important.”

A beat passed before she replied, “Meet at the cafe on Sunday morning?”

“I think we should speak somewhere more private, and soon. Would you… would you come to my house?”

“Fine. I’ll be there tonight. Is that soon enough for you?”

“That’s perfect. Thank you.”

She hung up.

That afternoon, Hatori changed into the outfit he knew Mayuko liked - the button up and khakis. Looking at the outfit in the mirror, he straightened out the collar and rolled up the sleeves. Maybe an outfit was a pointless detail to focus on, but he wasn’t going to leave any stone unturned. He thought about writing a note for her as well, in case she got angry and left before he had a chance to say his piece, but he ultimately decided against it. He wouldn’t try to push her into forgiving him. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t deserve much more than blatant rejection. 

In the hours leading up to her visit, Hatori found himself tempted to smoke. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a cigarette - it must have been at least a month now - but the stress coursing through his veins made him feel as though his life depended on getting that hit of nicotine. He searched the house for the cigarettes he’d stored away, the memory of where he’d put them last failing to surface. He rummaged through every drawer, cabinet, and pocket. Still, nothing turned up. Then, he remembered - they weren’t anywhere he could get to them. They were long gone. Mayu had convinced him to throw them out. “That way, you’ll have to go outside and spend some money if you want more,” she told him. Giving up, he went to sit by the window.

She arrived shortly after 6pm. She knocked curtly on the door, and didn’t say hello when he welcomed her inside. Kicking off her shoes, she looked at him expectantly and he led her into the living room. He gestured for her to sit, but she refused. “So?” she began, squaring her shoulders and folding her arms against the navy blue of her dress. “What is this about?”

“Mayu, I need to apologize to you. You did nothing wrong. The way I reacted to you at the hospital was thoughtless and cruel, and I’m ashamed.”

She stared at him in disbelief. “You think? What the fuck was that?” she hissed. 

“I…”

“We’ve been friends for, what, almost a year now? And you shove me because I tried to do something as harmless as hug you? What the fuck, Hatori? I know you’re not a very touchy guy, but you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Believe me, I understand why you’re so angry,” Hatori said evenly.

“No,” she said, shaking her head, “you don’t get to do your calm thing right now. I’m mad at you. I’m fighting with you. You don’t get to stand there and do that righteous thing where you’re all quiet while I freak out.”

It wasn’t the first time in Hatori’s life that he had been faced with someone who was seething with anger, but this was the first time he had heard someone say that to him. “I’m confused,” he stuttered.

Mayu bit her lip and curled her hands into fists. “Can’t you have an emotion or something? Show me that you’re just as upset as I am? I ran away and didn’t talk to you for days on end. Didn’t that upset you at all?”

“Do you… do you want me to be mad at you? I told you that you did nothing wrong.”

She stamped her foot. “I know I did nothing wrong! But you’re still supposed to be hurt that I left you like that, okay?”

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now. I didn’t realize there was a script for this,” Hatori said, scratching the back of his ear.

“Goddammit, just do something! Anything, Hatori!” she yelled. 

Hatori faltered for a moment. He shifted his weight apprehensively, watching every small change that took place in Mayu’s furious expression. He didn’t want to yell at her. He wasn’t angry at her. He had never been angry at Mayu, and he didn’t imagine that he ever would be - not even when she was like this. She made him happier than he had ever been, and it made him sad that he couldn’t make her happy too. 

He could try, though. 

In three swift steps, he reached her and wrapped his arms tightly around her. Her tense muscles went limp and she rested her head in the crook of his neck before slowly returning his embrace. Their bodies swayed against each other, reveling in the newfound lack of space between them. Hatori buried his face in her hair, mussing it where it rubbed against his cheek; it smelled sweet, like apples. This is what it was like, he realized, to hold someone. It was intimate and warm, and he never wanted it to be over. He never wanted to let her go.

“Please,” he whispered, tears spilling down his face, “don’t leave me. I don’t want you to go,” 

“I’m not going. I’m here,” she murmured, lips tickling the skin of his neck. She dug her nails into the back of his shirt; the sensation sent a new feeling flooding through his body. He loosened his grip on her. She lifted her head to stare at him, and he rested his forehead against hers. From here, he could see all the colors in her brown eyes - the small flecks of green, the delicate golden rings around the periphery. They were beautiful, she was beautiful. 

“Mayu?”

“Yes?” she breathed. 

“Can I - ?” he asked, gently cupping her jaw. She nodded and let him unsteadily close the gap between them. Her lips were soft, and she smiled into the kiss as she returned it. He pulled away to meet her gaze again. There was no anger left there. There was something new, loving. He kissed her again, deeper this time, and she pressed her body flush against his own. His hands brushed down her sides to settle on the subtle curve of her waist. Reflexively, she kissed him harder, draping her long arms around his neck and pressing her palm against the back of his head. He parted his lips eagerly as she slotted one of her legs between his, erasing any distance that remained between them.

As their touches grew more desperate and clothes fell carelessly to the floor, it crossed Hatori’s mind that it would have been proper to ask her on a date first. But that could wait. In the morning he would ask her, and she would say yes. There would be more dates than he could count after that, and so many more wonderful things that he had never dared to let himself imagine. But right now, all he wanted was closeness - he wanted to have this thing he had never had before, and he wanted it to be with her.

**Author's Note:**

> \- thank you for reading this! i hope you enjoyed it :))  
> \- title from "if i'm being honest" by dodie  
> \- come hang out on tumblr @machi-kuragi


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